Who Would Win a Hypothetical Cage Match: Zuck or Musk?

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Who Would Win a Hypothetical Cage Match: Musk or Zuck?

It’s an important topic these days, if you weren’t aware! Let me start this article by explaining how this hypothetical situation came to be in the first place:

For the last few weeks, Meta has been hinting at launching a Twitter rival, likely named “Threads.” Meta’s chief product officer Chris Cox didn’t pull any punches when discussing the new project, saying, “We’ve been hearing from creators and public figures who are interested in having a platform that is sanely run, that they believe that they can trust and rely upon for distribution.

Cox also stated that the company was in discussions with big names like Oprah and the Dalai Lama to join their new platform, and they were looking to make the app available to the public as soon as possible.

For weeks, Musk has been throwing shade at Mark Zuckerberg in response to this new project, telling him “Zuck his 👅” (a subtle dig at a recent incriminating video of the Dalai Lama).

He then doubled down on his Meta hate, replying to a tweet last week about Meta’s new platform to say that “I’m sure Earth can’t wait to be exclusively under Zuck’s thumb with no other options.”

An anonymous Twitter user by the name of [email protected] then joined in the conversation to Musk to “be careful” because Zuck “does the jujitsu now.” Musk replied, “I’m up for a cage match if he is lol.”

Now, it’s important to note that Elon Musk says a lot of trivial things on Twitter, but few of those trivial comments ever escape Twitter.

This one did.

A few hours later, Zuckerberg uploaded a screenshot of Musk’s tweet to his Instagram story (because of course he wouldn’t post it on Twitter), with the caption “Send me location.” A nod to UFC champion Khabib Nurmangomedov’s comments to Conor McGregor in 2018.

Meta spokesperson Iska Saric confirmed that Zuck was serious, telling The Verge’s Alex Heath, “The story speaks for itself.” After Alex’s story was published, Musk tweeted, “Vegas Octagon,” and two days later, Dana White told TMZ that he talked with both parties, and they were both dead serious. That escalated quickly, didn’t it?

Now, let’s take a step back. Do I think that this fight will actually happen? No. Elon Musk is the world’s richest internet troll. A few years ago, Musk was sued for falsely claiming that he had secured funding to take Tesla private at $420 per share because he wanted to make a marijuana joke involving his company’s stock price.

More recently, it took multiple court hearings and a binding legal agreement that he couldn’t redact for Musk to begrudgingly buy Twitter, despite saying for months that he intended to purchase the platform.

So no, I don’t think the fight will happen. I think Musk was just tweeting.

And yet, despite the minuscule odds that this fight will happen, I keep holding on to that oh-so-small chance that it could happen anyway. What would that fight look like? Would Musk even have the stamina to last three minutes in an Octagon? Would Zuck send a humanoid robot to fight for him? How would the price of Dogecoin be affected by this event?

The possibilities are endless. However, after spending the last week brainstorming, I would like to give my hypothesis on how this fight will play out.

First, the measurables. TMZ claims that Musk is 6’1, ~195. I mean, sure, Musk said he was on Wegovy (a weight loss drug) in October, but just last summer he looked like an easy 240.

I’m giving him a beefy 225 right now. Maybe 215 if he hits the gym pre-fight.

Meanwhile, Zuck is 5’7, 155 pounds. 6 inches make a huge difference, especially in fighting, and the 50-pound difference puts them in different weight classes apart.

Advantage: Musk.

However, age matters as well! Musk, after turning 52 yesterday, is now 13 years older than Zuckerberg. Meanwhile, Zuck is the same age that Tom Brady was when he led the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history against the Falcons in 2017.

Advantage: Zuck.

The next question, of course, is do either of them actually have any fighting experience?

Zuck decided to break out of his “nerd” shell and get shredded in his late 30s. He now practices Brazilian jiu-jitsu and won his first tournament last month, and he recently completed a weighted Murph Challenge in under 40 minutes.

So yeah, Zuck is in killer shape.

Musk, meanwhile, recently stated that he rarely lifts, besides lifting his kids in the air occasionally. However, Musk was involved in multiple South African street fights as a teenager, which has to count for something, and he impressed podcaster Lex Fridman (who has also trained with Mark Zuckerberg) in a practice session a few days ago, so maybe his build can compensate for his complete lack of exercise.

Advantage: Zuck

Okay, so how I think the actual fight will go:

The venue will be a three-round UFC fight in Las Vegas (I don’t think Elon Musk could physically survive a five-round ordeal without having a heart attack) 6 months from now, giving both competitors time to prepare.

Mark Zuckerberg trains 3 hours per day, six days per week, while listening to the Eight Mile soundtrack on repeat. Musk continues not training whatsoever, secretly hoping his attorney will find a last-second loophole in his contract allowing him to exit the event financially unscathed.

One month before the fight, Musk attempts to bail due to “health concerns,” but Dana White informs him that the waiver he signed is binding: he has to fight. Game on.

Zuckerberg practices semen retention in the weeks leading up to the fight to maximize his testosterone levels, while Musk, unable to restrain himself, manages to impregnate yet another employee.

On the morning of the fight, Zuck eats the same perfectly measured breakfast of eggs, avocado, whole-grain toast, and yogurt that he’s had every morning since 2009, while Musk drinks a Diet Coke from a vending machine.

They both arrive early at T-Mobile Arena to prepare for the night’s fight. Zuck gets a light warmup with his trainer before retiring to the locker room to meditate. Musk never leaves the locker room, instead spending hours scrolling through Twitter and tweeting about the war in Ukraine.

A few hours later, the combatants don their shorts and make their way to the stage. The arena is deafening as two of the world’s richest men prepare to fight in the biggest Pay-per-View event of the century, and when Zuck reaches to shake hands, Musk jokingly pulls his hand back saying, “Ha! Too slow.” Mark’s eyes just narrow.

Then the fight begins.

Zuck initially drops back in a defensive stance, unsure of Musk’s first move, but Elon just stands there, smirking at him. Zuck then reverses course and charges Musk, hoping to get the bigger fighter on the ground to neutralize his size advantage, when Musk surprises him with a sudden right hook to the jaw.

Zuck stumbles back, visibly shocked that Musk was that quick, while Musk laughs and says that he has “diamond hands.” Dogecoin climbs 7%.

Zuck then shakes off the punch and lunges for Musk’s right leg, knocking him off balance.

Getting Musk on the ground minimizes his reach, but Zuck finds it difficult to keep Musk pinned, as the latter outweighs him by ~40-50 pounds. As Zuck struggles to restrain his larger opponent, Musk starts to breathe heavier and louder. This was the most physical activity that he’d had since Tesla’s 2010 IPO, and his heart rate is letting him know.

As Zuck works to put Musk in a headlock, Elon’s eyes grow wide, and he begins to furiously tap the floor. The whistle blows as the ref rushes over, and Zuck climbs off his opponent. Both the ref and Zuck are confused: Musk tapped out well before getting stuck in a headlock.

Dana White takes the stage to congratulate Zuck, but before he lifts his arm in victory, Musk, now smirking, says, “Surprise, my fingers were crossed. I didn’t lose, but I tricked you into ending the fight.”

Dana stands there, dumbfounded by what just went down. Whispers quickly become loud, angered “BOOs” that fill the arena. Musk smiles, waves at the attendees, and heads to the locker room to gather his things.

So yeah, that’s my best guess for how the fight will go. What do you think?

- Jack

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